There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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