This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
