it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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