just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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