he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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