Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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