ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
