i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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