She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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