big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize