my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
