Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
