So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
