Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
