just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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