eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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