**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
...so i touched it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize