I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
