So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
