Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Drake has all the answers
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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