My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
