Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
