How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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