I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
