I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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