Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
