Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
