It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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