I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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