I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
