Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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