I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
