Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
