This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
