Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it's like iHOP with fire
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
