You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
