Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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