Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
