I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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