i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
