i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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