the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
