Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
