Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
