I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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