feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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