dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
