dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
