Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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