I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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