My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want nice things and good sex
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
