she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
