If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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