sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
