ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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