I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
