My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
