PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
