Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
