the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
