His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
