I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize