Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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