I cannot find my penis.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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