It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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