But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
