Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
