He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
