I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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