I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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